


DethTea

by SillynekoRobin, TempoWrites



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Canon Compliant, Comedy, Gen, Humor, Tea
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-09
Updated: 2016-07-09
Packaged: 2018-07-22 11:20:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7435427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SillynekoRobin/pseuds/SillynekoRobin, https://archiveofourown.org/users/TempoWrites/pseuds/TempoWrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dethklok records a commercial to promote the line of teas they helped create. All goes smoothly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	DethTea

_And now, the Dethklok Minute takes an exclusive look behind the scenes look at the making of the new Dethklok Brutali-Teas commercial!_

~ ~ ~

NATHAN EXPLOSION: “Do you folks like… coffee???” (brandishes bottle at the camera)

CHARLES OFFDENSEN: (lifts his copy of the script) “Nathan, it’s tea this time. Tea. The other hot drink.”

NATHAN: “Oh, uh, right." (glances at the bottle) "The... The leaf, not the beans."  
  
OFFDENSEN: "Just read the script, Nathan."

NATHAN: (puts on glasses) "Okay..." (murmurs, reading, then takes a deep breath) "Do you folks like tea??? (takes a sip, then shoves the bottle at the camera) “Scald your innards with pure, organically brutal sophistication. Dethklok brand Brutali-Tea—Black Dragon Oolong, ripped from the pulsing heart of the Orient.”

OFFDENSEN: "That's why we have a script, people."

WILLIAM MURDERFACE: (steps onstage and picks up a slim ice-filled glass) "One sec..." (turns away from the camera, then acts pleasantly surprised to see it) “Oh hi, I’m William Murderface, and there’s nothing I like better than an ice cold tea after a long day of leading Dethklok with my amazing bass! Try Dethklok brand Brutali-Tea's Long Island Iced Tea...with just a touch of tequila, vodka, light rum, triple sec, gin—”

OFFDENSEN: “Hold it. Murderface, you can’t promote tea with alcohol. It’s illegal to vend those.”

MURDERFACE: “What?! That’s bullsh—*guitar riff*”

OFFDENSEN: "Uh-huh. Where did you even get that? Duncan Hills doesn't make alcoholic beverages."

MURDERFACE: "I brought in a little outside help." (waggles hips with a squelch) "You'd be surprised how much booze you can smuggle in a pair of leather pants."

OFFDENSEN: "Fantastic. We'll dub over it in post." (looks at clipboard) "Skwisgaar, you're up."

SKWISGAAR SKWIGELF: (looms into frame, dressed in Victorian regalia with extra skulls) “Even royalties grows old ands gray in preparations for dyings. Dethklok brands Brutali-Teas, Earl Gray Blends: feels the witherings despair of mortality in everies cup.” (takes a dramatic sip from the cup holder hung on his guitar, then throws it to the floor and shreds a wicked string of notes)

OFFDENSEN: "Very nice."

SKWISGAAR: "Thank yous." (fingers frets proudly) “I was ad-libbed the witherings."

TOKI WARTOOTH: (earnest) "Do I goes now?"

OFFDENSEN: "Fire away."

TOKI: "Okay." (sidles onstage and straightens spiked iron teapot in the image of Facebones) "Ahem!" (dons floral sunhat) “Gives a try to new Dethklok brand Brutali-Teas, withs intense flavors likes Cannibal Chamomile—growns in mulch mades from other flowers!” (takes a sip and gives a thumbs up)

DIRECTOR: (returns thumbs-up)

OFFDENSEN: "Excellent work. Pickles?"

PICKLES: (groggy chuckle)

TOKI: (guides him forward) “Pickle, you gots to get in front of the camera.”

OFFDENSEN: "Come on. Let's go. Chop-chop."

PICKLES: (stumbles onto stage) “Yeeeeeah, I got this, uh… ginger tea. (points accusingly at the camera) Everybody always picks on gingers, but this tea doesn’t totally suck. It’s kinda spicy an’… uh… hey, can we just do the Long Islands? I like those!”

OFFDENSEN: “Pickles, we already told Murderface that the company can’t put that in the vending machines. They can’t sell it.”

PICKLES: “Oh, okeeey." (cracks open another bottle) "Can’t let all these samples go ta waste.”

OFFDENSEN: “O-kay, those pallets need to be removed. Far too much temptation in here.”

PALLET OF TEAS: (is wheeled away)

PICKLES' CHEST: (beeps, dot of faint light appearing through shirt)

NATHAN: “Whoa, Pickles, what’s that noise?”

PICKLES: “Wha? What noise?”

NATHAN: “Is your nipple ring, like… speaking in beep code?”

MURDERFACE: (from off camera) “That’s Morse Code, you ignoramuses!”

OFFDENSEN: (rubs his face tiredly as Pickles confusedly tries to take his shirt off) “Aaaand that’s a heartbeat monitor. Pickles, why are you wearing that?”

PICKLES: “Oooh, dat! It’s so I’ll be the first ta know if I’m havin’ heart issues. Pretty smart, ain’t it?”

NATHAN: "Yeah, I guess that is pretty smart..."

PICKLES: “Dat brings me to my other point. Remember how I thought I had a heart murmur? Turns out it was just from drinking dat drum solo recording. So I recorded drum solos onto every bottle a’ Pickles' Ginger Tea.” (turns up heart monitor)

PICKLES' CHEST: (beeps a frantic drum solo)

OFFDENSEN: “…I must admit, that is unusually industrious of you.”

PICKLES: “Thank you!” (sloshes bottle) “The tings I do for a little recognition around here.”

MURDERFACE: "I feel the same way, which is why made your tea samples...into my urine samples."

REST OF DETHKLOK: (shouts in outrage)

TOKI: (blanches, doubles over, vomits)

OFFDENSEN: (resigned) "Murderface, why would you do that?"

MURDERFACE: "Because I knew you'd shoot down my Long Island Iced Tea, you fascist b—*guitar riff*”

OFFDENSEN: "Mm-hm. You know, if you'd told me beforehand, we could have lobbied to have the vending machine law changed, right?"

MURDERFACE: "I won't work within your corrupt system. It's called nonviolent protest. Ya know, like Gandhi. I'm a lot like Gandhi." (straightens proudly)

OFFDENSEN: "I'm pretty sure Gandhi would not have violated everyone's tea like that. Tea is very important to Indian culture—"

SKWISGAAR: (pukes)

NATHAN: (pukes)

PICKLES: "Oh, oh gawd—" (also vomits, directly onto mic)

MURDERFACE: (pats his back) "Uhh, Pickles, I couldn't actually piss in your tea because you used that stupid drum solo water."

PICKLES: "Sorry." (wipes his mouth) "My bad, everybody. Just one of Murderface's leg hairs tickled my throat."

MURDERFACE: "Are you kidding?" (pokes a shoe into the vomit) "This is way too curly to be a leg hair!"

PICKLES: (braces himself with the mic stand) "Did ya get that, though? Is dat one of those puke-proof mics?"

OFFDENSEN: "No. No, Pickles, it's not. Those aren't even out of development yet."

PICKLES: (holding stomach, closes eyes) "Sh—*guitar riff*”

OFFDENSEN: (to band) "Okay boys, that's a wrap. Back to the hovercraft. Come on." (takes the director aside) "Edit those ramblings into something resembling coherent human speech. We may still be able to fish a Clio Award out of this mess."

DIRECTOR: (nods)

~ ~ ~

_And that's it for today's Dethklok Minute!_


End file.
